The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
