why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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