yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
