does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
i out mim tonsoeep
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