I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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