Yo dont text me then not text me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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