it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
