Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
