I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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