my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Walk of Shame today included voting.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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