Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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