i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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