Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Drunk is not a location!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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