I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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