Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
In America we eat man semen.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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