when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
