I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
