So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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