No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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