You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
