So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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