Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
