No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?