the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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