so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he puts the penis in happiness.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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