Im at strip club and am horny
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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