it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
