everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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