Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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