I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
