Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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