I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
