when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
