His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
