I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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