I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
