when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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