i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
