I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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