the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
They have beer where we have blood.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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