Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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