omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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