my phone needs a breathalizer
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
