I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
