Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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