You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My cat gives me a boner
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
