Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
