I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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