I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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