He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My bed smells like the plague
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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