I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
