I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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