Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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