omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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