Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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