you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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