It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
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I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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