Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed