Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i would one night stand the shit outta him
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You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.