Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
