So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
